Go go GO AWAY November 12, 2011

When does the pain go away? Everybody say it never does. So where’s the “time is the healer”- thing, then? Something missing here, isn’t it?

How to put all the peaces back together so that you get back the most important thing (trust me, it IS) – yourself? Being all over different places – memories mostly – at the same time can literary kill. You don’t see, you can’t move, you occasionally find it hard to breathe and all you feel is ache in the stomach, or emptiness, if you are luckier that day.

It happens when you get tired of disappointment, anger, ignorance, trying, talking, ignorance and lots of talking again. Getting through day by day, baring all that inside, without anyone really understanding, nobody taking it away. Partially at least.

Worst part is that you probably saw it coming. And did nothing to avoid it or at least prepare. You feel insignificant and small. Not worth a single penny, though you could do (and actually DID) more than ever! Not many get opportunity to start their life from the scratch. A good thing, they say. But what if you don’t want that?? You don’t want to loose all you had and step into the future (“brighter”- they also tend to say). What if you have been kicked out of your life? And then you are left alone to grasp the idea of “new life”, but oh stop – you’re still sitting with your old life closely by your side. Without the permission to go back…

Where is the “forgive and forget”-button? WHERE?

It probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but it does to me. ALL the sense.

I just really want it all to go away…

Take care, I hope, you all are allright.

And hey! I am back  …

Playing God January 13, 2010

I’ve always thought that it would be completely impossible to fake something. As if I’m all “for real”, you know. BUT I was wrong. You see, I have this job which requires client support skills. Which I have never tested before. And suddenly I realise that when it comes to duties, when it’s something I get paid for, it’s all good. You just fake an emotion/interest. Or the lack of those. It’s all up to me if a client gets a “mercy” (an exception, which might lead into an argument with the superiors later; or me trying harder to get what the client needs or what’s best for the client). As I imagine – that’s how  being a God feels like.

Of course, if the client is REALLY determined, then the God just has to do her job. As well as it can be done. With maybe even some exceptions that are not very close to the Gods heart. But that’s how the world goes round: the one that screams the most, gets what he/she wants. While the modest ones stay quiet. Waiting for something better than this to come along…

I say this is unfair! Will it be fair to play God to correct this? Just a little?…

Contemplations, Promises and Rhyming December 17, 2009

I am highly amazed about how much we all tend to generalize things. Men are pigs, because on of them has cheated. Hatred towards red colour, because “it’s all about Red Light district”. X-mas become generally unlovable because of the fight you got into last year on the 25^th of December…

Sometimes I pity things that get labelled by unfortunate moments in life. An amazing song you cannot listen to after you get to listen to it wwwaaayyyy too much right after a divorce. The smell of grass that’s being cut at that particular moment: now it gives you shiver because that unfortunate day you ran crying through the meadow till you found your missing beloved bunny-pet dead on the river bank.  The places that instantly get that dark cold aura about them – just because first days at work were hard and unwelcoming or even though you adore the interior in your cousins new flat, her flatmate makes it all unbelievably appalling. Does it ring a bell? Why do those feelings and experiences come back every single time we come across something that should be so cosy and charming in the first place? Just because of some stupid moments, some of which last an eye-blink. They still stike destructive as hell. And that’s a pity.

X-mas is coming. The New Year is near. What a cool rhyming I come up with in here, huh?? No holiday spirit, no mood for making snow angles, not even for a snow man! Maybe because there’s no snow… No inspiration for amazing gifts to everyone I love and care about. It all is locked deep inside. And honestly, I have no idea where the key could be. And yet, tonight I am thinking about this Season. The year that is ending, the Year before that. Funny, but no plans for the coming one. Not yet. But I will come up with some. I have to. Just like the rhyming : )

When I think about  last X-mas, I did some contemplations on the year ending, and made promises for those that were coming. THIS year. That now is almost over. The year before this one was full of losses (of people, trust and moments. good ones) and distress (because of all of those). That was contemplation. But then there was the promise. NO REGRETS, I said. And so it was. In words of  Helen Reddy in “I am Woman” : “but look how much I gained”. No regrets, indeed. We learn to overcome those. To grow. And move on… That’s why the year ending was good. More gain than loss. This was my kept promise to myself. Gotta think of a new one to give this year. And a plan for the year to come. Messy messy… But I will be fine! Don’t worry Just make sure you have what to contemplate on, and what to do better next year. It really feels good to keep a promise. And to realize you hold to a plan. For the whole year : )

Merry jolly Christmas, guys, and a Happy, adventurous and enriched New Year!

And thanks for staying with me, for reading. Promise to stay tuned. And come up with something interesting, not only cool rhyming

You are not a toilet-bowl, are you? October 22, 2009

Have you ever felt like you want to kiss the world all over? That’s how I feel lately. And hope it doesn’t go away. I know that if I take a better look, I find the reasons for this condition. But feeling this ridiculously great without any particular reason feels even better! It’s like craziness runs in your veins, and you cannot stand in one place, not mentioning sitting! I really really sincerely hope that you felt this way before, and wish you feel this way as often as possible in the future. The nearest one!

There is this table game “If your friend were a piece of furniture/an animal/a country/a colour…(and many other blah blah blah cathegories) – what would he/she be?”.  The game doesn’t always make you feel good, because some choices might be unexpected (they show you what others think of you quite straightforward): “an owl!”, “broccoli pudding!”, “the toilet bowl!” – let’s admit it, either you share the common sense of humour, or you get mad.

It’s really cool to know at least a tiny peace of the external opinion about you, but have you ever thought this way about YOURSELF? What would you be, if you weren’t who you are? What kind of celebrity? Drink? Or .. a melody? I don’t speak of songs here – we all find ourselves in many of the lyrics, but the MELODY. The way sounds go together. How would you SOUND? It reminds me of the movie “The Holiday”, where the Jack Blacks character creates a melody for Kate Winslets one. How great is it to have your own melody?! I don’t have my own composer yet, but it was as if the “me” melody found me itself. I haven’t thought of music this way before the moment I heard the song, and BAM – here it was! This is how I would sound! Weird, I know, but it’s a good feeling indeed – as if I got acquainted with myself from a completely new angle.

Ok ok, it might be a little selfish to “pocket” somebodys song (of course, the person didn’t think of me while writing it!), but I don’t demand the world to officially accept the melody as me. I just silently enjoy our tiny compatibility, just like I love finding my star at night. Yes, I also picked my own star. Such things are always there, they never change or disappear; and they never allow you forget who you really are.

..and I think to myself: what a colourful world October 15, 2009

My brother loves this joke:

“- Why do women usually tend to live longer than men? – Because painted items last longer”.

Ha – ha – HA. Whatever, I’d say. Because the fact still stands – we are pretty. And when we invoke some colours, we become colourfully prettier. I am not one of those who firmly back up the attitude of “the less make-up, the better” or a similar one “make-up shouldn’t be apparent”. Hell, it SHOULD!

I am not of those who can wear a lipstick, and am secretly jealous (don’t tell anybody, it’s our secret ) of those who can. Shiny unexpected several-shade lip variation; dark as the night itself or a shamelessly classical red one. Yummy, isn’t it?

And EYES, my favourite make-up part! Funny story – once back in high-school one of my make-up experiments (IN FACT, with less make up than usual) ended up with everybody asking me if I was sick or what’s the reason that made me cry so much! So, we gotta be careful with experimenting, but – as facts show – not too prudent. But I like eyes strikingly sharp, deep and dark. Or light, but colourful. VEGAS, baby!

In my short life I already had experience in being blonde, dark-brown (literary black), red-haired and with different types of died locks. And though some cases weren’t that successful (don’t want to talk about nicks I got then..), I still don’t regret any of tries. If I didn’t – who would do that for me?

Of course, I know there is time and place to be all mature, serious and grey, but as long as you weren’t the natural born office-career junkie, colours will definitely work out for you for most of your time. As one intelligent person that I look up to a lot often says – even after putting on a huckaback sack, a young person will still look smashing. And I believe that one is as young as one feels inside, it’s all up to us. Doesn’t it feel great? Prove me wrong, but colour-therapy is an extremely powerful thing. And seriously wanted on our latitudes

Oh, and YES, taste, consistency, and harmony still counts!

Sweet & COLOURFUL dreams to all of you! ^-^

Mono October 14, 2009

That’s the moment when you have to leave. Nothing else is expected from you. Sitting here doesn’t make sense any more anyway. Not to you, at least. Oh you’ve done enough. Just up and go. It’s easy. You know how it’s done, don’t you? Well-trained action of yours. When I think of it, we never stood beside you, and that is our tragedy, isn’t it. So, nevermind how it all goes – we are here and now, and no surprises are coming, so leave. We won’t. Not yet, at least. You’ll still have the gold. And that sparkly charm that fascinates us all so much.

Ha, the thing is I don’t know what should I say to you. Or actually it’s YOU, who has to finally speak up? Yep, it all is too silent around; I never liked silence. It’s… so SILENT. And too much confidence doesn’t help too much. It’s ..um… TOO BIG as a help. It drives everyone away. Even you yourself. Remember? Stepping up was all we needed; taking care of things you ever dreamed of. Spying on success.

“I know it’s rude to stare, so I’ll just look without blinking instead” – the perfect joke that you love so much; it was so suitable for covering up and putting away. Didn’t I tell you that noone is worse in joking than you?.. Woops, my mistake, sorry. You should be sorry too. Today the sky is very weird. Clear, but foggy, and… it’ll probably rain tonight. Have you got your umbrella? Otherwise I can lend you mine, I am not going anywhere, so won’t need it.

Ok, that’s awkward, don’t you think? Just go, we won’t talk about this ever again, deal?
Once you told me you haven’t been to Paris before. It was your little-big secret, so sorry for bringing it up; but I suppose you should go there. Now. Perfect place to hide. How else would you prove yourself ultimately being right…

PS. Is there any other way?

Rain and Broadway October 8, 2009

To you, drivers all over the world – especially those, finding themselves in rainy locations – I have a message to all of youl: COME ON!!! Would you PLEASE be NICE??? I know, we, pedestrians aren’t actually ones you love most in the whole traffic thing, but we cannot make so much harm as you can! What if I was rushing to meet a very important date when I’ve been splodged the first time on the street today? What if I was wearing my favourite light-sandy’ish dress the second time it happened? Ok, I get it: you don’t give a damn about my wardrobe or life in general, but that’s exactly what I’m asking you to start doing. I am a pedestrian. Armless against you and your car. But one day I just might find you and give you a good bucket- shower right in your vehicle. Would you like it? That’s what I thought.

Ok, a bad joke. But the rain mostly NEVER affects us in any good way, so let’s not make it even worse, ok? The song that doesn’t get off my mind today. I dedicate it to all the rained-up ones. Nose up, guys, it’s just water! The thing I learned in practise while visiting North: “there is no bad weather, there are just wrong clothes” (and I MEAN it. It’s one of those golden truths we all must be aware of). This song also goes to all the careless drivers. That’s what I tend to believe – that you are just careless, and not malignant. Enjoy!

And now, if you’re not tired of my endless posts, go on with reading. There’s this topic that I was carrying in my mind from a waaayyy back. Have you ever noticed the musicality of the world? Things, people that create this action around you? No, I’ve never counted myself as the sensitive soul that hears the symphony of growing grass, or the perfectly unisonous fall of leaves in the park. I mean the WAY world reflects music even when the world doesn’t hear it?

Already back at times when I was still in the high school and got my first portable player (a pretty slim cassette player with “feather touch” buttons on the side. I guess, no matter how “stone-age” it sounds now, I will ALWAYS love it. Rest in peace, my dearest Aiwa…), I noticed one funny thing. Every single break I sat somewhere in the corner of the corridor buzzing with kids, with earphones on, and just observed the whole movement. Girls with the jump-rope, the small ones running in a barley-break, teacher giving a lecture for two mophead bullies. Even today, while taking my boring everyday trip on the public transport, I find people around me moving to the rhythm of something that’s on my iPod at that moment.

As if I watch a well choreographed musical, with actual singers in it! Starting with the lecturing teachers who sometimes got to become rappers in my head. So funny it all was! And still is. Seeing a grey downtown day as a scene in some Broadway play. And before you say anything – I am not crazy. It’s just…me

Funny little thing called LIFE October 6, 2009

Jeeezzzz….I am a weirdo, guys. It’s like I always meet the vice-versas of life. Tell me one thing. The so called “easy way” should be easy, right? Otherwise, why do people prefer it? And why else would it be called EASY? But you know what? It’s not. A big fat NOT. Choosing the Easy Way is giving up. Losing the fight with yourself FOR yourself. For YOU being different. Maybe even better…

The other weird thing I came across today was even more frustrating. Being let down by someone makes me furious. Letting somebody down, however, makes me devastated. I still probably got that uncomfortable and most limiting trait nowadays – conscience. So what should I actually do with it?

Bored. Wanna DIE??? (poolparty) October 4, 2009

What’s with our relation towards death in this world? Looks like we need to see it, need to feel it by our side! How else could we explain the multiple digit “Saw”- phenomenon? Full cinemas are being gathered to watch how somebody has to cut off the leg or pluck his/hers eyes out? Or the “Final Destination”. Just saw the 4 part yesterday night. Nails in the face, a dude watching his girlfriend being laminated in the machinery of the escalator or a car wheel removing the ladies head. One girl in the same movie dies several times in different ways!  By the way, this time it was 3D. Even more R-E-A-L-I-S-T-I-C. “Woo-hoo!”, you say? Wont say more than a word about the freaky faces and flying objects that I saw all night while trying to sleep after the movie…

Or that show on tv “One second to the catastrophe” or smth like that. What’s with such images that we are secretly attracted to? Do we want to watch others die by imagining our boss or a slutty boyfriends neighbour? Or maybe we go there to enrichen the “killing” vocabulary (..just in case we suddenly need the unusual way to end up with someone)? OR maybe we secretly want to appear in the situation?

Just like the documentary about “The Man Who Found Titanic”. They gave several interesting commentaries in that movie. There are Titanic fans who think that the passengers from that night reincarnated into them and others who like to meet up and dramatise the scenes from the epic ship. Just say it out loud: TITANIC FANS. What is up with us, people???? There were real people dying that night in 1912! And all we see today is tea spoons and combs in the gallery (of course, wishing they’d be in our possession), the fascinating stories of dying love and heroic deeds; wondering over and over again – what would we do if we were there and then. Do we REALLY want to go back in time and die with the “allmighty” Titanic??? The ship is a cemetery for more than 1500. And we handle it as an amusement park… Finally, of course, when everyone is tired of  the story, we bring it back to life, including a couple lovely faces (I mean DiCaprio and Winslet), and start sighing again

.

Are we THAT tired of life? We have 3D-effects to help us feel ourselves as a part of multiple bloody tragedy. What’s our next step in this death industry? Oh oh, I know, I KNOW!!! A death – simulator! You come, you choose the type of death, maybe even can feel the pain! What do you say, huh??? If you don’t know me well enough yet, this was ironic. We are getting seriously sick, my friends…

Few of my favourite things October 1, 2009

Funny how one sometimes finds difficult to define things one loves! Have you ever got into this uncomfortable situation when you start doubting what is you like, what you don’t love; what your favourites are; the feeling when you start doubting if you know who YOU really are?

I wonder if Maria (Julie Andrews in the epic “The Sound of Music”) sat down and listed the “few of her favourite things” before she put those into an encouraging song? Cuz what I did today was actually making such lists (some list-freak, huh? ).  And came up with something that makes me feel good even writing it down. In my code best things humanity has ever invented are: blender, olive body-butter; indie rock, candles, take out coffee (especially caramel macchiato. Yummy.), iPod, electric heaters, woollen socks, VIP vacations (5-star hotels, free drinks and all that “high class” stuff. For a week, though, then it gets boring), converse-shoes and gummy-boots which are perfect during outdoor music festivals.

And when I think of it, Mother Nature is non less inventive!

Because I also love green eyes, blue skies, tomatoes, colourful autumn, cats and perfect strangers.

That’s how much I like. I bet it’s not all of it yet. Life is not that bad after all, huh?